Monday, 13 June 2011

The Nightmare

I went to sleep after lunch,had a very tiring two days journey and hence fell asleep in no time.
After a while i see myself waking up in a lecture class, 
i was dead tired and wondered how i got there, 
i saw some seniors sitting next to me, 
It occurred to me that i was attending a Personality development session,
But really an unexpected one.
I tried my best to open my partly shut eyes,but in vain.
I looked around and was dying to sleep.
I sensed a rare and weird state of intoxication winding up my mind giving little space for hope.
Suddenly my laptop fell to the ground.My fellow mates and  lecturer were startled and stared at me while i was pondering about how it fell.Very soon it struck my mind that I threw it down for no reason, I didn't knew why, it was totally unintended. My eyes started feeling heavy,  i needed some sleep,i tried to explain to my fellow mates that i am half asleep already and it was irrepressible. I walked outside to see a paddy field, the paddy field had a long path directing right towards my  room of my apartments .i could see fishes dancing in the water as i walked my way home.I had a quick thought of ' What is going on ? Why am i seeing this ? Am i sleeping ? Of course,  Not sleeping , you are walking home ! ' So does this mean I've really gone haywire?' I tried to control my thoughts and soon 3 guys jerked into my thoughts, before knowing what it was i saw them beside me.Now i knew, i am loosing my mind, Oh dear ! i should reach home and get some sleep !

I realized it is so hard , when you are knowing that you are loosing your mind.I try to cling to one single thought,and it  easily slips out.
I leave it freely, it wanders around here and there.
I reached home and tried to help myself go without my mom seeing me
But then i thought of  sharing a word with my mother.
some relatives at home kept her engaged.I didn't get a chance.
All of a sudden
I shouted at some of them 
' I need some sleep,Please go !' 
I walked to my mother and whispered in her ears  ' Amma !  I see weird things,thoughts.i cant control it , i want to sleep, a silent deep sleep' 
My mother who had experienced mental breakdowns in the past may have easily got a better picture of what i was going through.
I could see the pain in the eyes of that unlucky woman who had already witnessed her eldest son loose his own lucidity, and now she has to see the same with the other child too.
She looked very blunt without any hope..
She who was very religous wanted to cry out loud....
Why Lord!..Why again ? Why is such a curse being carried on through the coming generations.
'I am going to sleep ,mom ' I remarked.Then i lied on the couch and started mooning again.I saw myself Falling through great heights,through a waterfall,into a deep ocean,trying to suck me inside.I screamed out loud.I opened my eyes widely,totally galvanized and there stood my mom and uncle spectating the event.I smiled at them and said
' It was a dream,You people don't worry' i said. 
I knew  that i wasn't  insane.I knew i was dreaming.But is it natural to keep pondering all day, being euphoric at one instant and terrified at the other? It was indeed psychotropic and maybe this is what people mean by 'losing sanity'.
But now my mother with tears in rolling down her eyes asked uncle to call a shrink.I pleaded..'Mom! Give me a last chance to prove myself '. 'I want to sleep!'.'I am not mad !'.Just a bit of sleep , I cried.

Now enough of the torments, 
Do something or everything would be lost !!
Something pushed,squeezed me from inside and finally tugged me up and i saw it was Not real ! 
I threw myself and found myself jumping out of bed.
I placed my feet on the floor, it felt cold,i gasped, 
wiped beads of sweat from my forehead,
 Yes, now it was real, 
I am awake now and the agnostic Me said to myself 

No comments: