Saturday, 19 September 2015

me Myself and ME

The rings of the school bells, running along the school ground during recess hours , mugging up for exams, whipping sound of the teacher's cane, the most horrible dinner at home after the exam results were published, the sense of freedom after the first class bunk, that moment of curiosity before taking the first puff of  the first cigarette, passing out for the first time after a couple of drinks, college fights, taking the most hurting blow on your face, first bike accident, getting a degree by passing in all of the flunked back papers, first interview, first salary, and....  the list goes on...

 Now what, the list remains unfilled with options and moments draining. One may easily predict the other options, like marriage, a child and so on..
Why should the list be so predictive ? 

Life changes in its course of time and now......

Why not change the predictive list and go for something else ?
Why seek a partner and share yourself when you love taking all the share of happiness and sorrow within yourself?
Why spend time with another when you love spending time with yourself the most ?
Why bring in more relations, more commitments when life is so simple with just you and yourself?
Why scare about an insecure future and insure yourself with marriage ?

Really dont have enough time to ponder over this..So lets do that later :P

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Alone in the Dark

A night in Bangalore. Loneliness crept inside,coercing me to do cruel, mean,selfish acts to take a vicious pleasure to see her wince, which in-turn heaped to the bundle of regrets. A  day or two had passed but a little regret will always follow you till your last breath. 
             A night's sleep has gone and i just took a walk along the abandoned path around my house. A walk for 30 minutes  exploring the emptiness around , the darkness  inside, the darkness outside. Its always a late realization of how selfish you could be. i asked myself several times,walking in the dark , what do you need? Why should you hurt someone for what you want ? What made you feel this way? Dependence.. 
Each and every living thing tends to depend on others, be it a dog, a cat , human or a tree . But it makes sense only when it is being taken and given back. Taking and taking ,all the time,would never help the one who keeps giving it.Learn to love people without expecting, still how blinded one could be i could never understand. The love i got , was to be given back , that's what was expected. Once you are alone , never start bugging them and crave for the past, living in the past will eat  your brains.Live in the present.Know what is happening,feel it,you made this happen,it was your choice,you could have made it better.So now its the challenge to face it.
I walked a bit more far.I felt the cold breeze,took a long breath as if it was a futile attempt of accepting things as it is.I wished to cry but my eyes were dry,a silly pout with a heavy heart, that's all that remained.
Soon i got the call on my phone which was expected by me,Only me, and it didn't last for long.Then i knew better, 
Those days are gone.I would want to swallow the past as if it never happened and start eating the present.Chew every bit of it and feed myself. Try to compensate for what had happened and start loving without expecting, but it stills remain unanswered.
I reached near my house, sat down on the bare land for a while.A dog which i pamper every night came close to me. She looked up with her confused eyes and inquisition.She growled.I talked to her for a while.The pup rushed into the scene and  felt jealous that i was cuddling the mother.
Jealousy,Possessiveness still remains there, no matter its a human or animal.A wasted spin-off, a bad suicidal one which kills the love gradually, it burns inside you and all the flesh burns out to smoke in the thin air.The odor will remain in the heart fused by transitional sequences of the past.

The past.

Now what? 

Still I remain in the past which  I can never get past.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Frozen Memories

Deeply Frozen moments of the past,

 melted over the mirror of thoughts ,

each and every drop of dew reflected 

the smile of you,

 i knew was an illusion ,


I wiped it off the surface,

i knew there is no US , 

Its Just ME alone

and Never


Monday, 13 June 2011

The Nightmare

I went to sleep after lunch,had a very tiring two days journey and hence fell asleep in no time.
After a while i see myself waking up in a lecture class, 
i was dead tired and wondered how i got there, 
i saw some seniors sitting next to me, 
It occurred to me that i was attending a Personality development session,
But really an unexpected one.
I tried my best to open my partly shut eyes,but in vain.
I looked around and was dying to sleep.
I sensed a rare and weird state of intoxication winding up my mind giving little space for hope.
Suddenly my laptop fell to the ground.My fellow mates and  lecturer were startled and stared at me while i was pondering about how it fell.Very soon it struck my mind that I threw it down for no reason, I didn't knew why, it was totally unintended. My eyes started feeling heavy,  i needed some sleep,i tried to explain to my fellow mates that i am half asleep already and it was irrepressible. I walked outside to see a paddy field, the paddy field had a long path directing right towards my  room of my apartments .i could see fishes dancing in the water as i walked my way home.I had a quick thought of ' What is going on ? Why am i seeing this ? Am i sleeping ? Of course,  Not sleeping , you are walking home ! ' So does this mean I've really gone haywire?' I tried to control my thoughts and soon 3 guys jerked into my thoughts, before knowing what it was i saw them beside me.Now i knew, i am loosing my mind, Oh dear ! i should reach home and get some sleep !

I realized it is so hard , when you are knowing that you are loosing your mind.I try to cling to one single thought,and it  easily slips out.
I leave it freely, it wanders around here and there.
I reached home and tried to help myself go without my mom seeing me
But then i thought of  sharing a word with my mother.
some relatives at home kept her engaged.I didn't get a chance.
All of a sudden
I shouted at some of them 
' I need some sleep,Please go !' 
I walked to my mother and whispered in her ears  ' Amma !  I see weird things,thoughts.i cant control it , i want to sleep, a silent deep sleep' 
My mother who had experienced mental breakdowns in the past may have easily got a better picture of what i was going through.
I could see the pain in the eyes of that unlucky woman who had already witnessed her eldest son loose his own lucidity, and now she has to see the same with the other child too.
She looked very blunt without any hope..
She who was very religous wanted to cry out loud....
Why Lord!..Why again ? Why is such a curse being carried on through the coming generations.
'I am going to sleep ,mom ' I remarked.Then i lied on the couch and started mooning again.I saw myself Falling through great heights,through a waterfall,into a deep ocean,trying to suck me inside.I screamed out loud.I opened my eyes widely,totally galvanized and there stood my mom and uncle spectating the event.I smiled at them and said
' It was a dream,You people don't worry' i said. 
I knew  that i wasn't  insane.I knew i was dreaming.But is it natural to keep pondering all day, being euphoric at one instant and terrified at the other? It was indeed psychotropic and maybe this is what people mean by 'losing sanity'.
But now my mother with tears in rolling down her eyes asked uncle to call a shrink.I pleaded..'Mom! Give me a last chance to prove myself '. 'I want to sleep!'.'I am not mad !'.Just a bit of sleep , I cried.

Now enough of the torments, 
Do something or everything would be lost !!
Something pushed,squeezed me from inside and finally tugged me up and i saw it was Not real ! 
I threw myself and found myself jumping out of bed.
I placed my feet on the floor, it felt cold,i gasped, 
wiped beads of sweat from my forehead,
 Yes, now it was real, 
I am awake now and the agnostic Me said to myself 

Sunday, 12 September 2010

Self Realization

It’s been a long time since i published a post. The Idle moments have passed and now life has led me to a temporary  illusion, paving way to make myself busy for sometime. Its a relief to have started a new era of my life leaving behind the monotony..But, still the discontent remains. Again a  college life with a whole lot of assignments, tests, gossiping and a lot of happenings , fails to wipe away even a  single stain of the past.

                   It has happened to me recently that even in a thickly populated crowd  i would prefer to stay behind like an abandoned soul craving for a reach to somewhere i could hold upon..I see new faces, different faces, rare faces..  even some of those which might attempt to make an impact on yourself ,But i'm done with mere looks and nothing seems to be fascinating as it once used to be.Such a situation  would be tempting, to slowly drag him/her into depths of solitude. It is just a futile effort of getting to know more of the future.The path to a career we would wish for always remains in the dark leaving us behind with the very thought of our own future.There will always be a light at the other end of the tunnel, but i wonder why does it always be at the other end.All i wish for is a sound career, a career with all the ingredients that would keep me healthy and fill me up with joy.
                                                 What you really want from your life doesn't always match up with what you get, people tend to let go of it and get used to it, they get a feeling that they did the right thing ,years pass by,and one morning they wake up to realize about that very moment , the moment that would have made a change , the moment that could have turned things around , a small change of decision or strength of the mind would have made there life much more beautiful.Many of us take up a job because it might be a source of income,some choose it with a lot of risk seeking happiness and satisfaction,some succeed in acquiring money along with success and satisfaction,and finally those who attain satisfaction and happiness are the real successful ones.Once the days are gone,the wrong path is taken,there would be no going back,the only thing that would be left to do is looking back at your past and realising where we went wrong,why we took the easier one and how life started becoming miserable,how you lost your path.Why draw a vague picture on the white paper of your life when you can always  be a creator of a beautiful one? I hope my picture is being drawn as i ever wished for , the picture i have dreamt of , the picture that can only be seen ,once the whole drawing comes to an end.

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Negotiations with DEATH

Negotiations with DEATH

' I am not scared of death',that's something you may always hear from a person of dauntless bravery or someone who presumes to be so(that's me).The fear of death is almost certain to happen when someone has witnessed its approach.
It was another afternoon,i had my lunch and wanted to go on with my daily routine of playing some online games.Unfortunately there wasn't any power supply and we had the generator turned On which allowed power supply to only one of the plug points.That single socket that got the power supply was in my living room and the TV was connected to it.I badly wanted myself to be engaged with my games and i would do anything for it,that was the time when an idea struck into my mind.Without knowing that it was a prelude to some jeopardy,I went to the nearby electrical shop,got some meters of wire and i connected two-pin plugs at both the ends.I connected one end of the two pin plug to the socket,i wanted to straighten up the entangled roll of wire so that i could pull it towards my computer room.All of a sudden something from nowhere gave me a strong shudder,i was terrified and after a few seconds or so i came to realize that a plethora of electric current was exploring my body.I tried to hurl the plug out of my hand but my hand was reluctant to it and my fist clenched firmly to the plug.My whole arm was trembling vigorously and i was going through the worst moments of my life.I knew there was nothing much to do,somehow i knew that my palm was burning inside. I saw my mom walking across the other room but my voice was drowned to huge depths,and i stood there with all my hopes dwindling away.That was it..A thousands of thoughts were flying through my mind,I saw death stepping towards my door,the door which was locked by all the little hopes of survival.I felt myself getting weaker,not even trying to call for help or finding a way out,i was trying to convince myself that this was my destiny,this is why i lived for 24 years,its happening.I wanted to hide myself somewhere,i didn't want someone to see me dead,i wanted to hide my own corpse,i wanted that everyone who loved me could forget i ever existed,i didn't call for the ALMIGHTY,but i knew that something or someone from within me was craving for its existence,pushing its own door, pleading for the last time,'DEATH,Don't come my way,Spare me'!!..A guy of great fortitude, but now, when witnessed the approach of Death,was never different from a very old lying in his/her death bed.But,fortune didn't push me away,

In the twilight,one among those thousand thoughts got HIGHLIGHTED and i turned back to see; 
Yea !!..The switch !!...
The switch which was 4 steps away from me,I struggled to reach there with my hand being shaken by a load of electric current.. But...THANK GOD! I WAS ABLE TO WALK TOWARDS IT!. I still had a strong feeling that this won't end,even if the switch is off,the whole current will keep on circulating.With the least hopes i pushed the switch and luckily the storm was put to an end.The two pin plug dropped from my hand and i could see my burnt palm,with the aroma of barbecue.It looked like someone had deliberately poked my palm deeply with a burning cigarette on three different spots.
I keep pondering all the time,the thoughts of that  incident will never fade,i can still feel its depth,never knew a electric shock would be so bad!Hopefully my palm will be fine in few months.

Sunday, 24 May 2009

My Award


Oh..My God..I don't believe this..(hands on my cheeks)..I just started my blog,posted something in it,went to sleep,i had a dream in which i just won the HONEST WEBLOG AWARD and i was rising to prominence,hehe,,yea i know sounds funny..Such a glory!! Without any effort?hehe..After all, Dream is a Dream.The next morning I wake up!!! and,and u know what????????...wait..lemme have some water...gulp gulp...ok.. an Angel..She didn't look like it though..SHE SAID she was in some disguise or something!!..Ah!!..God knows,anyway,who cares.hehe.She came and gave me the HONEST WEBLOG AWARD..I remember,My granny always used to tell about this prestigious award..And now.... it's at my fingertips!!..

Then the Angel,(yea the one who didn't look like an Angel but was in disguise).. She put down certain conditions to receive the award,sounded silly,But here it is:

In order to 'receive' this award, I must satisfy the following conditions: LIST 10 HONEST TRUTHS ABOUT MYSELF.

Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

Piece Of cake..Here i go..Just read it and delete it from ur mind..Please don't ask anything about it..hehe..

1. 10 HONEST,NAKED(not intended to be viewed by minors) TRUTHS ABOUT MYSELF:

1.Bedwetting is involuntary urination while asleep after the age at which bladder control would normally be anticipated. The medical term for this condition is "nocturnal enuresis."I used to have "nocturnal enuresis" even at the age of 15.Please don't ask 'when was the last time?'.Its strictly confidential..topic change...

2.Thumb-sucking is usually found in most of the children.Yea..I remember those childhood days..sweet memories, aint they. I still have that habit,quite often,(lots of photos had been taken when i was in hostel,hmm),now don't embarrass me,stop thinking of it and read the next Truth.

3.I have the habit of cracking my knuckles and joints.I start with my neck,crack both sides by tilting my head left and right towards my shoulders,then all my fingers(each finger has two joints,so 2 cracks per finger,total 20 crack sounds with the hands),then i hold my hips firmly on the sides and lean backwards..Krek krek krek krek,,You heard that? Thats my back,not over yet..Then i sit somewhere and twist my upper body,only the upper half..I twist it both sides and crack those too..Then the joints of MY FOOT..hehe.Finally i hurl both my hands in air and krack krack..Yea..Those were my elbows..Now i am done..I do this for about 15 times a day.

4. Sometimes I bite my nails and pull off the skin that meets the edge of the nail.

5.I love to dip my head into the bath tub or a bucket,which is being filled with water gushing out from the tap.I just hold my breath and listen to the sound of the water pumping into it.Yea..I'm nuts..Let's go to the next one..

6.I try to study people,their gestures and try to mimic them,Somehow,I do really well in some cases.I used to mimic my teachers,friends,relatives,and people around me, It doesn't go well with most of the Celebrities.But I can do a few.

7.I hate bananas and i love curd, I can't have rice without curd (or anything made out of it).

8.I love chicken,and the best part is i love to eat the bones,you'll never find a single bone in my plate.

9.I do a lot of day dreaming,i might dream in the class,dream while watching TV,dream while eating,dream while in a serious conversation and even dream while taking a shower..DREAMS DREAMS DREAMS..I dream about really strange things,my thoughts fly higher and higher exploring and it takes sometime to reach back to normal..hehe...

10.I have a long,thick,gigantic Nose.The first thing you'll notice about me is my nose,I've different nick names like MOOKAN, i tend to observe people having long noses..hehe..I often say,'Hey,look he/she also has a big nose'..My friends tend to pull my nose and that's the most irritating thing for me,it's too sensitive and I'll be sneezing the whole day.I lose my temper often when i have a cold and someone keeps pestering or nagging me,' LEAVE ME ALONE'..
 I have never seen anyone with a bigger nose than mine which is 6cms long and protruding to 4cms..hehe..Yes..huge one..Believe me...It has a Life of its own!!

HMM..Now the Seven Bloggers who deserve the award according to me will be:

Angel in disguise: You have received the award, anyway i think u can keep this one too..You're the one who helped me to start off with my blog,thanks a lot..I have read most of ur posts and i really love u liked that LOL..

Amrita : Yea, You just started with ur blog like me, but u surely deserve this award,I'm sure you're going to be a Big Blogger..please come to the stage and collect

Hithaa : Your gudbye and Your farewell thoughts were really touching,but i think you should kepp posting regularly, I also loved those photos..Nice work!!..And so, here's ur award.

Kiran : I loved your was really cute and i loved those malayalam ones too,and especially those malayalam dialogues in mallu fonts..Keep writing..You really deserve this award..Have It!!

Rush : I was really fascinated by the design,layout and the photos in your blog..Awesome!! To be honest i've just started reading ur's, thanks for guiding me all the way through Vegas! Now you can claim your award, Hope you read the conditions..

Sana : NO doubt, u deserved this long time back,ur blog portrays the realities and truths of life..wonderful work with lots of imaginations.

Vishwanath : Just started reading ur blog,seems like there are lot of things to know from it..Anyway i think u deserve the award..